Ask and you shall receive. Sperm that is

So less then four hours ago I wrote a blog about my concerns of getting pregnant. As a gay family this is something that we have to think about more than an average straight family. My blog stated my main concerns about who what how where and when with my pregnancy. (Just read the damn thing its only three paragraphs long) Within minutes of posting it I had a huge response from many of my friends wishing me luck on my journey and to my surprise I had three of my friends even offer their husbands goods to do the job for me. My heart has exploded with joy just thinking that there are people who love me and my family enough to offer such a gift. One friend in particular shared her own pregnancy journey and the struggles her and her family has went through. Pregnancy is a heartbreaking thing for a lot of couples gay or straight. When I couldnt think my friends were any better I got a private message from one friend that Jessie and I adore and call her our secret best friend. Why a secret you might ask? Well its because we have never met and she lives thousands of miles away. If it wasnt for a plane ride Jessie had been taking from New York back to Wisconsin we wouldnt even know she existed. In her message she shared her own story. She also was a high risk pregnancy and has had many issues when trying to make a family of her own. One would think that having such a hard time she would want to keep every drop of that "good stuff" for herself. It was completely the opposite. She took it upon herself to talk to her husband and said that they both supported us and wanted to help in any way possible. She had said it was because of their hard times that they wanted to help with our issue of getting pregnant as well. After the shock wore off a bit and she had told me a hundred times that she and her husband were dead serious reality set in. Now mind you Jessie and I are in no hurry to get pregnant. We are in the beginning steps of growing our family. For someone be on our side and offering to help in our matter even though we technically have never met is mind blowing. It gives me hope that our dream of growing our family could become an actual reality. Even if plans (none really made yet fyi) change and we go different path for our conception I will always hold a special place in my heart for this woman and man that care for me and my family. So as time moves on and decisions are made I hope I can write the amazing story that will be adding a life to the Inda family.

The problem with pregnancy

Having a family is the most wonderful thing in the world. Being a mother to a beautiful two year old girl has been my greatest joy. When I talk to my partner about extending our family she looks at me with a smile on her face and says of course we can. Sounds perfect, sounds simple, sounds like we should get going. Ah but its not. Nothing brings me more joy and heartbreak all at once then thinking about getting pregnant. For a gay couple having children is well impossible. One of us is obviously missing certain key parts to make a baby. (Im not going to explain any more on that. If you dont know how babies are made my blog might be a bit much for you.) Our first daughter was created the old fashioned way and we refuse to go down that road again. So the questions begin. How are we going to do it? How will we get the much needed man juice? Will it be from a friend or a sperm bank. Who will be the carrier? The list of questions goes on and on. Literally thousands of dollars could potentially spent trying to get pregnant and each time is no guarantee. Thats why each time I think of extending our family I almost cry.

I was watching The Real L Word and a couple on the show went through a year of hell to get pregnant and then when they did they lost the baby at six months into the pregnancy. Losing a child and miscarrying a baby is horrible for anyone but I grieved for them a little more than a straight couple knowing how hard it was for them to even get pregnant. (Not saying all straight people have an easy time getting pregnant either) Do I want to go through all that work, money, and stress just to be left empty handed? How does somebody even come back from that?

As a high risk pregnancy I was a complete wreck with Penny not knowing that she would be fine. The outcome of the nine month of misery was well worth it. I have never known perfection until I saw her face for the first time. Jessie and I have so much love for her that we want to share that with another child. A struggle it will be but I keep telling myself the result will be more than worth it. So now Im off to try and answer the hundreds of questions of how and Ill get back to you when I have some answered.

Momma, Mommy and Me

I want you to think back at a time when you were a child. Who was the first person you went to when you were mad, sad, happy, or just wanted someone to talk to? Mine was my mother (thats a whole other blog though) The old saying two heads are better than one is oh so true. I like to call it two moms are better than one. I believe my daughter has it made by having two moms. Double the love and comfort mothers can give. Now mind you she wasn't born with two moms. When I met my girlfriend she was on her way out to California to start her career and finally live out her dream. Who wouldn't rather be in California than Wisconsin. We went out a few times and still she had planned to move that all changed when she met penny. Now I'm not saying my child is so adorable that she could make anyone drop their life long dreams and stay living in hell. Something about that first time the met something clicked like an automatic bond. I still to this day wonder if penny is really Jessie's child and not mine. At the time I think that the last thing on Jessie's mind was to become a mother but in a matter of weeks that exactly what she had become. She was a natural. Penny was ten months when we started dating so Jessie has been there for all her big moments. Jessie taught her one of her first words, helped her to start crawling, and when penny finally decided to start walking her first steps were to Jessie and not me. Like I said I often wonder if she is Jessie's child. She has blonde hair just like her. They have the same taste in music and dance moves. The same mannerisms and same vocabulary. She is the first one penny imitates. Penny loves her exactly the same as she loves me to say that this is not a true family is the most laughable thing I've ever heard. We are the true example of family and love. Jessie dropped everything to be apart of us. I can't imagine mine and penny's life without her.

Dear Mr. President

In the 2008 election I was so proud to be voting for a president that I actually believed in. Change Change Change Yes we can Yes we can Yes we can. I now here I sit four years later and wondering where my change exactly is? I feel even more lost than I did back then. Two things I am so passionate about, medical marijuana and equality for all, my beloved president can't seem to make up his mind on. When he was running his campaign he promised that marijuana patients would be protected and the medication would be easily available. He made me feel that all states would be able to receive this as a viable medication option. The opposite of that dream world is what we are living in now. Dispensaries which pay state and federal taxes are being raided on a daily basis. Peoples lively hoods are being destroyed by the government. Patients are unable to receive their medication. Lives are being ruined. All of this under President Obama's command. A man who has admitted that he has used marijuana. "As a kid I inhaled quite frequently. That was the point.""I think that we need to rethink and decriminalize our marijuana laws. But I’m not somebody who believes in legalization of marijuana. What I do believe is that we need to rethink how we are operating in the drug wars, and I think that currently we are not doing a good job.” This was his stance back in 2007 on how to treat marijuana. I couldn't agree with him more. Im not looking for full legalization (but I would vote that way if the option ever came up to vote) only for patient use. This is a drug that over and over has been proven to help with thousands of issues. Now in 2012 he is treating marijuana as a hard core drug that needs to be stopped, which is hurting more than helping. Do I think he used his stance on marijuana to gain votes back in 2008? Yes and now he's using his new stance to do the same as well. As a lesbian woman I hope you can see how this scares the shiz out of me. In 2010 when he repealed don't ask don't tell I cried. It was a movement that this country needed and now with that he is standing up for marriage equality it seems that we keep moving forward. Do I think he is using this to gain votes? YES. I just pray that he won't flip flop on this issue as well. Mr. President you do have my vote but how does that saying go? "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me"

Small Town Gay Mom: Heads or Tails?

Small Town Gay Mom: Heads or Tails?: I recently have started therapy. I am loving every minute of it. To sit down with a complete stranger and spill everything inside of you out...

Heads or Tails?

I recently have started therapy. I am loving every minute of it. To sit down with a complete stranger and spill everything inside of you out is a strange but rewarding experience. At my last session my therapist asked me "Kim what is the opposite of love?" I obviously answered hate. Makes sense doesn't it? Isn't that what we are taught since we were young? The real answer which after explanation made perfect sense. It all came together. Apathy. Apathy is the act of not caring or doing nothing. Love and hate are such passionate feelings that they tend to be on the same side of the feeling spectrum. That's why I find it so funny with all these extreme anti gay groups. They are so passionate about denouncing our love. It consumes them to the fullest extent. Then I sat and really thought about this. They have the same amount of passion that LGBT supportive groups have just on the opposite side of the coin. If the could only just flip that coin over to the other feeling. How easy of a step it is from hate to love. Now how exactly to do that? I am not sure. I know my coming out has changed a few minds for the better. I think when anyone who is anti gay realizes that they have a person in their life who is gay it flips that coin for some. You really don't have to look hard to find someone gay in every ones life. That's what everyone needs to realize. Someone you love and care about is gay, so why turn to hate.

Coming out of the closet. I'm not even sure if I was ever in there

Most gays have that coming out moment in life. You know where they finally have come to terms with their sexuality and embraced their new life. For many this is a life changing experience. It can be one of the hardest challenges that they face. And then there's me. I'm not sure if I ever really was in that imaginary place. This is a really strange feeling for me. I found myself as a lesbian at 25 years old having multiple relationships with men and one with a woman. You would think living in a small town and being what my girl friend liked to refer me as baby gay ( a term I found most offensive ) I would be scared to let my new feelings show. They didn't phase me a bit. I in some way feel cheated on my gay experience. Why should it have been so easy for me to tell and show everyone the new me? I felt like not a true gay for not going through that hardship of finding myself and coming to terms with it. My only guess is that when something feels so right and natural it's not hard to show off. This is who I am. This is who I'm proud to be. Now let me clarify not everyone was so comfortable with the new me. I have lost many friends and family members due to my new status but even with all that I truly believe that coming out for me was as easy as breathing. My hope for others is that of you struggle about who you are it will be hard but the end result is so much better. If you need help ask for it or if you're lucky enough like me that has a partner to hold your hand through it all then you will be just fine.

If being in a love triangle sounds hard try being in a love square.

Love triangles you hear about them all the time. This person loves that person and sleeps with that person too. Well thats all fine and dandy for some, for me I was at such a horrible place in my life I had found my self to be in a love square so to speak. I had a husband who I had just moved out on, a boyfriend who was the reason I moved out of my marriage home and then this girl walked into my life. So basically it was a husband, boyfriend, and a girlfriend and none of them knew about each other. This was one of the hardest and lowest points I have ever faced. My whole life was a complete lie and keeping up with three different stories to tell three different people is about as easy as it sounds. I felt so differently about all three and still didn't want to lose a single one of them because I didn't want to be alone. I had started dating a man while I was still living at my house with my husband. He was an old flame that reentered into my life and temptation got the best of me. We had continued our relationship and finally something had to give so I decided to pack up my daughter and move into my own apartment. This killed my husband but I thought that this obviously couldn't be what the call "true love" if I could have an affair with another man. I honestly to this day still think I did what was right and best for him even though almost everyone I know will tell you different. I had moved into my new apartment ready to start a new life with my daughter and my boyfriend when suddenly she walked into my life. The she being my current girlfriend and what I believe is the love of my life. It was a simple call to the bar I work at. She wanted to order a pizza and just hearing her voice sent me back to a few years ago when I had met her while she was bar tending. Now mind you I didn't think I was gay back then but this girl behind the bar had me mesmerized. Her blonde hair, her amazing blue eyes, her smile, and as I recall her amazing ability to flirt ever so subtly. So hearing her voice that day years later brought me right back to that place. Butterflies danced in my stomach thinking that she was going to come down and pick this pizza up. I would get to see her again! (Still not thinking I was gay at all) Guess what happened, she didn't pick the pizza up she had someone else do it. Crushed would be the word to describe how I felt but I always have been a lucky sob and I ran (literally) into her the next day. Thats all it took. Facebook flirting began, a series of texts, then finally drinks. After one night at the bar I brought her home and really have never let her leave since. Keep in mind at this time I still had a boyfriend as well and these two had no idea about each other. The that one fateful day had happened. My two worlds collided. Both extremely angry and hurt left me to be alone. So starting with three people that I juggled like a circus act I was left all alone. I had to stop and make a decision not only for myself but my child as well. After about two seconds (yes that's all it took) I knew I had to try and get the girl back in my life. They way I felt while with her was like nothing I've ever felt before. Finally I felt right after years of feeling so wrong. The time I spent juggling everything in my life was the worse period I've ever experienced. I would never wish it on anyone. I hurt many people including myself in the process and still to this day have to continue to break the patterns you acquire while living a life like that. I vowed to my self never to be in a situation like that again. That's a promise I can keep.

Wanting to kiss other girls isn't the norm?

As I have mentioned in my introduction blog I thought I was the straightest girl on the planet. I grew up having crushes on boys (Jon Bon Jovi was my first), dating them, going to prom with my high school sweet heart, and to top the icing on the straight girl cake I even got married and had a baby. The entire time this was going on did I believe it was a sham? Was a stuck in the closet? Did I yearn for a female companion? No No and Maybe. I grew up dating and marring men not because thats what was expected from me but because plain and simple I thought it was every girls fantasy to kiss and even yes have sex with other women. Gods honest truth and why wouldn't I think that way look at women they are gorgeous. Who wouldn't be interested or at least curious on what being with another girl would be like? Well let me tell you who, straight girls. Now I can't speak on the behalf of every straight girl out there but it has become more and more aware to me that these thoughts never cross their minds. Now mind you I did only learn this after I started my relationship with my girlfriend. I can see her laughing at me as I tried to tell her my thought process. After this realization it was like something hit me. BAM! I am a lesbian. With my prior experience with men you might say doesn't that make you a bisexual? I say no. Bisexual is a person who has an attraction to both sexes and currently at this time I don't. I identify as a lesbian woman. Will that ever change? I don't know and thats the great thing about being human. You can chose to be anyone you want to be and change at any time! The spectrum of sexuality which my genius girlfriend likes to talk about (ps she likes to call herself queer) is an amazing thing. Its not a box of straight, bi, or gay but more of a rainbow (no pun intended) of possibilities. Why am I writing about all this? Well I can't be the only person who was unsure of who she was.  I really can't be the only one that thought girl on girl thoughts are normal for everyone out there. If you are reading this and thought wow thats me or geez Ive felt that way before, Im here to say its ok. Do what you want, feel how you want to feel, and most important love who you want to love.

What it's all about

Small town gay mom, sounds simple enough right? I mean if by the title you can't figure out who I am and what I will be writing about maybe this blog isn't for you. Small town gay mom is a title that at first (and still at times) a bit hard to swallow. To be gay in a town of 6,000 where the nearest LGBT community center is at least a hundred miles away is just as hard as it sounds. Believe it or not I do know a few fellow gays both male and female but the sense of community really isn't there. Its almost like a secret society for us we nod our heads say whats up but to be loud and proud here really just isn't our thing. Why you might ask? Why in 2012 can't a gay individual walk down the streets of any city and any country in the world? One word ignorance. Some people like to use other words like hate but ignorance works so much better. People aren't genetically made up to hate its something that is passed down like some old family heirloom. Ignorance on the other hand is what I (dirty little hippie) would like to think the majority of peoples issue with gays. They just plain don't know any better, they are uneducated, and simply plain cowards to find out what makes us so different from them. It would be quite the learning process but I think that if more people got educated on what being "gay" actually means they would see we are no different from them and all in all would get over their ignorance. So part of my blog is going to be my story. My story isn't anything special. My story is like hundreds of other stories out there and the more people who put out their own stories the better the world would be. Havery Milk once said " If every man who is gay would just come out, we would win this battle." Now lets slow down for just a second I do not think that my little bitty blog will make every closeted person come out, but if it makes just one feel comfortable enough to do so my job is done.  So read if you will my tale of turning gay (yes there was a time I thought I was the straightest girl in the world, my girlfriend will so tell you different) and find some insight on what it is to be a small town gay mom.