Small Town Gay Mom: Heads or Tails?

Small Town Gay Mom: Heads or Tails?: I recently have started therapy. I am loving every minute of it. To sit down with a complete stranger and spill everything inside of you out...

Heads or Tails?

I recently have started therapy. I am loving every minute of it. To sit down with a complete stranger and spill everything inside of you out is a strange but rewarding experience. At my last session my therapist asked me "Kim what is the opposite of love?" I obviously answered hate. Makes sense doesn't it? Isn't that what we are taught since we were young? The real answer which after explanation made perfect sense. It all came together. Apathy. Apathy is the act of not caring or doing nothing. Love and hate are such passionate feelings that they tend to be on the same side of the feeling spectrum. That's why I find it so funny with all these extreme anti gay groups. They are so passionate about denouncing our love. It consumes them to the fullest extent. Then I sat and really thought about this. They have the same amount of passion that LGBT supportive groups have just on the opposite side of the coin. If the could only just flip that coin over to the other feeling. How easy of a step it is from hate to love. Now how exactly to do that? I am not sure. I know my coming out has changed a few minds for the better. I think when anyone who is anti gay realizes that they have a person in their life who is gay it flips that coin for some. You really don't have to look hard to find someone gay in every ones life. That's what everyone needs to realize. Someone you love and care about is gay, so why turn to hate.

Coming out of the closet. I'm not even sure if I was ever in there

Most gays have that coming out moment in life. You know where they finally have come to terms with their sexuality and embraced their new life. For many this is a life changing experience. It can be one of the hardest challenges that they face. And then there's me. I'm not sure if I ever really was in that imaginary place. This is a really strange feeling for me. I found myself as a lesbian at 25 years old having multiple relationships with men and one with a woman. You would think living in a small town and being what my girl friend liked to refer me as baby gay ( a term I found most offensive ) I would be scared to let my new feelings show. They didn't phase me a bit. I in some way feel cheated on my gay experience. Why should it have been so easy for me to tell and show everyone the new me? I felt like not a true gay for not going through that hardship of finding myself and coming to terms with it. My only guess is that when something feels so right and natural it's not hard to show off. This is who I am. This is who I'm proud to be. Now let me clarify not everyone was so comfortable with the new me. I have lost many friends and family members due to my new status but even with all that I truly believe that coming out for me was as easy as breathing. My hope for others is that of you struggle about who you are it will be hard but the end result is so much better. If you need help ask for it or if you're lucky enough like me that has a partner to hold your hand through it all then you will be just fine.

If being in a love triangle sounds hard try being in a love square.

Love triangles you hear about them all the time. This person loves that person and sleeps with that person too. Well thats all fine and dandy for some, for me I was at such a horrible place in my life I had found my self to be in a love square so to speak. I had a husband who I had just moved out on, a boyfriend who was the reason I moved out of my marriage home and then this girl walked into my life. So basically it was a husband, boyfriend, and a girlfriend and none of them knew about each other. This was one of the hardest and lowest points I have ever faced. My whole life was a complete lie and keeping up with three different stories to tell three different people is about as easy as it sounds. I felt so differently about all three and still didn't want to lose a single one of them because I didn't want to be alone. I had started dating a man while I was still living at my house with my husband. He was an old flame that reentered into my life and temptation got the best of me. We had continued our relationship and finally something had to give so I decided to pack up my daughter and move into my own apartment. This killed my husband but I thought that this obviously couldn't be what the call "true love" if I could have an affair with another man. I honestly to this day still think I did what was right and best for him even though almost everyone I know will tell you different. I had moved into my new apartment ready to start a new life with my daughter and my boyfriend when suddenly she walked into my life. The she being my current girlfriend and what I believe is the love of my life. It was a simple call to the bar I work at. She wanted to order a pizza and just hearing her voice sent me back to a few years ago when I had met her while she was bar tending. Now mind you I didn't think I was gay back then but this girl behind the bar had me mesmerized. Her blonde hair, her amazing blue eyes, her smile, and as I recall her amazing ability to flirt ever so subtly. So hearing her voice that day years later brought me right back to that place. Butterflies danced in my stomach thinking that she was going to come down and pick this pizza up. I would get to see her again! (Still not thinking I was gay at all) Guess what happened, she didn't pick the pizza up she had someone else do it. Crushed would be the word to describe how I felt but I always have been a lucky sob and I ran (literally) into her the next day. Thats all it took. Facebook flirting began, a series of texts, then finally drinks. After one night at the bar I brought her home and really have never let her leave since. Keep in mind at this time I still had a boyfriend as well and these two had no idea about each other. The that one fateful day had happened. My two worlds collided. Both extremely angry and hurt left me to be alone. So starting with three people that I juggled like a circus act I was left all alone. I had to stop and make a decision not only for myself but my child as well. After about two seconds (yes that's all it took) I knew I had to try and get the girl back in my life. They way I felt while with her was like nothing I've ever felt before. Finally I felt right after years of feeling so wrong. The time I spent juggling everything in my life was the worse period I've ever experienced. I would never wish it on anyone. I hurt many people including myself in the process and still to this day have to continue to break the patterns you acquire while living a life like that. I vowed to my self never to be in a situation like that again. That's a promise I can keep.

Wanting to kiss other girls isn't the norm?

As I have mentioned in my introduction blog I thought I was the straightest girl on the planet. I grew up having crushes on boys (Jon Bon Jovi was my first), dating them, going to prom with my high school sweet heart, and to top the icing on the straight girl cake I even got married and had a baby. The entire time this was going on did I believe it was a sham? Was a stuck in the closet? Did I yearn for a female companion? No No and Maybe. I grew up dating and marring men not because thats what was expected from me but because plain and simple I thought it was every girls fantasy to kiss and even yes have sex with other women. Gods honest truth and why wouldn't I think that way look at women they are gorgeous. Who wouldn't be interested or at least curious on what being with another girl would be like? Well let me tell you who, straight girls. Now I can't speak on the behalf of every straight girl out there but it has become more and more aware to me that these thoughts never cross their minds. Now mind you I did only learn this after I started my relationship with my girlfriend. I can see her laughing at me as I tried to tell her my thought process. After this realization it was like something hit me. BAM! I am a lesbian. With my prior experience with men you might say doesn't that make you a bisexual? I say no. Bisexual is a person who has an attraction to both sexes and currently at this time I don't. I identify as a lesbian woman. Will that ever change? I don't know and thats the great thing about being human. You can chose to be anyone you want to be and change at any time! The spectrum of sexuality which my genius girlfriend likes to talk about (ps she likes to call herself queer) is an amazing thing. Its not a box of straight, bi, or gay but more of a rainbow (no pun intended) of possibilities. Why am I writing about all this? Well I can't be the only person who was unsure of who she was.  I really can't be the only one that thought girl on girl thoughts are normal for everyone out there. If you are reading this and thought wow thats me or geez Ive felt that way before, Im here to say its ok. Do what you want, feel how you want to feel, and most important love who you want to love.

What it's all about

Small town gay mom, sounds simple enough right? I mean if by the title you can't figure out who I am and what I will be writing about maybe this blog isn't for you. Small town gay mom is a title that at first (and still at times) a bit hard to swallow. To be gay in a town of 6,000 where the nearest LGBT community center is at least a hundred miles away is just as hard as it sounds. Believe it or not I do know a few fellow gays both male and female but the sense of community really isn't there. Its almost like a secret society for us we nod our heads say whats up but to be loud and proud here really just isn't our thing. Why you might ask? Why in 2012 can't a gay individual walk down the streets of any city and any country in the world? One word ignorance. Some people like to use other words like hate but ignorance works so much better. People aren't genetically made up to hate its something that is passed down like some old family heirloom. Ignorance on the other hand is what I (dirty little hippie) would like to think the majority of peoples issue with gays. They just plain don't know any better, they are uneducated, and simply plain cowards to find out what makes us so different from them. It would be quite the learning process but I think that if more people got educated on what being "gay" actually means they would see we are no different from them and all in all would get over their ignorance. So part of my blog is going to be my story. My story isn't anything special. My story is like hundreds of other stories out there and the more people who put out their own stories the better the world would be. Havery Milk once said " If every man who is gay would just come out, we would win this battle." Now lets slow down for just a second I do not think that my little bitty blog will make every closeted person come out, but if it makes just one feel comfortable enough to do so my job is done.  So read if you will my tale of turning gay (yes there was a time I thought I was the straightest girl in the world, my girlfriend will so tell you different) and find some insight on what it is to be a small town gay mom.